Quite Possibly The Best Personal Ad Ever Written

Submitted by Dmitri Davydov on Sat, 2008-05-17 19:08.
Posted in:


You're probably already thinking I'm a woman with missing teeth, sitting in her trailer park with her 15 cats, desperately trying to get "Dancing With the Stars" to come in while I mess with the bunny ears on the TV I fished out of the dumpster, all while I'm screaming at my bastard children who are running around naked with ten-day-old Kool-Aid mustaches.

Close. Well, not really.

I'm a 29-year-old female with two college degrees. One of them was obtained from Full Sail, so you'll probably understand immediately why I am unemployed. I have my own apartment in a complex that looks really nice and well-kept and sweeps the monthly murders under the rug. I only have one cat, who I am training to use the toilet. I have a TV, but I'm thinking of cutting the cable because, well, I'm unemployed and TV sucks, anyway. I have no children and I don't want children. When I am employed, I enjoy spending the disposable income on things like vacations and restaurants, not on people who will take advantage of me and then hate me in the long-run.

I have been spending my days cruising for jobs on Careerbuilder and Craigslist, even though I'm beginning to think 95% of the jobs on Craigslist are a scam and I will probably begin receiving timeshare information in the mail. Sometimes I even venture outside. There's a pond outside my front door, and the ducks amuse me.

I am broke so I like to go to Barnes and Noble for a few hours, read a book, and then head into the bathroom and cry because I am too poor to purchase a Vanilla Latte from the adjoining Starbucks. Some nights I go dumpster diving behind local businesses, hoping to score something major. All I've come away with so far is a box of kitty litter, but it gives me an adrenaline rush and makes me feel like MacGyver.

My lack of finances has isolated me from my friends, who get to go downtown and drink or see the same movies in theaters that I download at home for free.

Basically, I'm looking for a guy who will keep me entertained. I don't care if you are broke like me, and if you are not broke and want to take me to dinner, that is also fine. I have a cabinet stocked with white rice and ramen. I have an old XBox and a Super Nintendo. If you want, we can play "GTA Vice City" and beat up prostitutes together. I also enjoy going to tourist areas and laughing at the foreigners who wear bright yellow sneakers and soccer jerseys.

I typically like white guys who wear glasses. I don't know what it is about glasses, but they are such a turn-on. I also like psuedo-intellectuals who think they are smart, even if they aren't. I'm a conspiracy theorist, so if you want to feed into my paranoia, that is appreciated.

If you're not a white guy with glasses, it's ok. Hopefully you have a dynamic personality to make up for it.

I should probably mention here that I'm fat. Not grotesquely so, and I keep up with myself. I'm flexible and can get up off the couch. I don't smell like cheese and I don't need baby powder to keep my thighs from chafing. Poverty is making me lose weight, anyway.

If interested, email me. No serial killers or hardcore drug addicts, please. I'm sure you are interesting, but I want to live to see the end of the world.

[Via - Craigslist.com]

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